A wild week for one wild caddie  Special to PGATOUR.com Editor's Note: Michael Collins, a stand-up comic, comedy writer and caddie, is looping for Bob Hope Chrysler Classic host George Lopez this week. In this exclusive PGATOUR.com blog, he will describe his experiences on the bag and in the middle of the celebrity action. Rd. 1 Caddie Blog: Get the picture, lady? Sorry it's taken so long to get this out, boys and girls, but Super Caddy just got out of recovery/rehab! There are so many things I wish I could tell you but ... most of what happens in Palm Springs ... you know the rest. Here's an outline of the wildest, craziest and most fun week on TOUR so far. Monday: Get to the course late. The flight from Phoenix was cancelled the night before so I didn't get in until 4 in the morning. Run out and meet George on No. 7. He's playing with the No. 1 guy in his camp, R.J. and wait -- who is that? -- Cheech! Cheech Marin from Cheech and Chong, Tin Cup and Nash Bridges. This is going to be good. The practice round is fun and laid back. We talked mostly golf and the week ahead. Make plans to meet for dinner. Phone rings in my room. "Hello?" "Hey, man, it's Cheech." My first instinct as a comedian talking this comic legend is to say, "No, man,Dave's not here!" (From the first Cheech and Chong album.) But my better judgement prevails. The next thing I know I am riding in the car with Cheech going to dinner! He really is a golf nut, and he knows his stuff. Tuesday: Practice at PGA West, George is hitting it pretty well. Get to No. 18, and there is Bubba Watson, who, ironically enough, we were talking about three holes ago. I introduce Bubba, and George and Cheech are in awe before Bubba hits his tee shot! I thought they were going to cry after he hit it 325 straight down the middle -- and that was swinging easy. We invite Bubba to a private dinner party that night, after George swings out of his shoes and hits it 60 yards right and still 150 yards short of Bubba! Tuesday night: Private party for players, celebrities and VIPs only. Only the second time I've ever been to a party like this -- and the first one I kind of crashed. There's Charley Hoffman and his caddy Miguel. Eric Axley, Cliff Kresge, Todd Hamilton and in comes Bubba and his wife, Angie. Here's the best part, sitting at a booth in the back are Cheech, Andy Garcia and Samuel L. Jackson, and they're looking at the PGA TOUR players just like the players are looking at them! I go say hi to Bubba and tell him I want to introduce him to everyone. He proceeds to tell me how nervous he was hitting that drive on No. 18 in front of George! By the end of the night I am standing outside listening to Sam, Andy, Anthony Anderson (who appeared in Barbershop and Hustle & Flow) and Cheech tell stories about making movies. Ever want to be that fly on the wall? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!! Sleep four hours that night. Wednesday: First round! We play Bermuda Dunes, and George has me wearing a bandolier with golf balls instead of bullets in it. What a great site gag, and it's a huge hit with the crowd. Meet Oscar De La Hoya, who's playing with us. Man, this guy doesn't have a mark on his face and has softer hands than a prince. Then George, Sam and Oscar all pipe their drives right down the middle! This is the best round I'll see in four days -- 14 under as a team. Wednesday night: After the round, we go to Los Consuelas, a great Mexican joint we end up at four times this week, and sit around talking about the round. Sleep five hours; this is too much fun. Thursday: Second round at La Quinta, and everyone is looking a little tired. Oscar's eyes are redder than I've seen them -- even after a fight! We're having a blast on the course even if the score isn't reflecting that. The crowds are great and George is playing it up with them. Thursday night: Very private party at a nightclub. I can't tell you who was there or what happened -- "You told me you were back in your room sleeping!" -- I'm not trying to lose friends writing this! I can tell you two things, though. If you ever throw a big private party, hire the band Boogie Nights. And music + alcohol = bad dancing!! I'lI bet this is what the parties were like back in the day with Bob Hope and all his friends; golfers and celebrities letting their guard down just enjoying each other's company. Two hours of sleep tonight. Friday: PGA West, third round. It's 40 degrees, raining and blowing 30 mph. Umbrella and rain gear is for chumps! Note to self - check the forecast before only packing shorts for the week! But there are big crowds, even in this weather. And they are treated to a display of amateur golf not seen in a long time. At least we're having an absolute blast. George is exhausted but like a true professional, he still gives the crowd all he's got. And he still has a big show tonight. Flash forward. Friday night: I ride with Anthony Anderson and Chris Tucker to the show. Meet up with Samuel, and Charley Hoffman's caddy, Miguel. We lose Chris, but it's me, Samuel, Anthony and Miguel in the front row watching George killing this sold-out arena! To make a long story short, at the after party I got to have a drink and a cigar with Samuel (BZZZZZ)! And closed the party dancing with Anthony! One hour of sleep. Saturday: Final round at the Classic Club. Get me some coffee before I kill you! I hardly remember the round. We made natural birdie on No. 1, and the crowd went nuts. George was doing his dances, I had the bandolier on again, and I was pretend shooting. After that it's a blur. I remember Oscar couldn't take off his sunglasses but I don't know why. Saturday night: George tells me I'm the first caddy he doesn't hate and asks me to be his caddy for life! Including Pebble in a couple weeks. "Ok, man, but I've got to go sleep for a few days first." George has put the fun back in the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic -- and what a breath of fresh air it's been. You know you're doing something right when players, celebrities and fans all say, thank you. What they don't know is, George is the one trying to thank them for letting him have such an honor. Well, guess what, he's doing it again next year! On a side note, Tuesday night at the dinner George told Charley Hoffman he was going to win. I work for the Mexican Carnac!! I'm going back to bed. |
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